There are lots of methods. Mine involves a lot of talent, a glass and some cracked ice.
If you stay in front of the movie camera long enough, it will show you not only what you had for breakfast but who
your ancestors were.
I think they were afraid I'd show up at the banquet drunk, embarrassing both myself and them. But
I wouldn't have, you know. -- his feelings about never having been nominated for an Oscar.
Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him. -- last words.
America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in
two weeks.
I like to be introduced as America's foremost actor. It saves the necessity of further effort.
It has been said that every man must properly pay the fiddler. Alas, in my case, it happened that an entire
symphony orchestra had to be subsidized.
A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.
Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open.
I am thinking of taking a fifth wife. Why not? Solomon had a thousand wives and he is a synonym for wisdom.
I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o clock in the
morning.
I've read some of your modern free verse and wonder who set it free.
If it isn't the sheriff, it's the finance company; I've got more attachments on me than a vacuum cleaner.
In Genesis, it says that it is not good for a man to be alone; but sometimes it is a great
relief.
Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.
My wife is the kind of girl who will not go anywhere without her mother, and her mother will go anywhere.
My wife was too beautiful for words, but not for arguments.
Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
The good die young, because they see it's no use living if you have got to be good.
The trouble with life is that there are so many beautiful women and so little time.
When archaeologists discover the missing arms of Venus de Milo, they will find she was wearing boxing gloves.
Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?
You can only be as good as you dare to be bad.
You can't drown yourself in drink. I've tried, you float.
You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.
My head is buried in the sands of tomorrow, while my tail feathers are singed by the hot sun of today.
He neither drank, smoked, nor rode a bicycle. Living frugally, saving his money, he died early, surrounded by
greedy relatives. It was a great lesson to me.
A man must pay the fiddler, in my case it so happened that a whole symphony orchestra often had to be
subsidized.
